#3 closer

I know that I can’t be the only person who feels like every time I think I am getting closer to God, I realize just how far away from him I am.  It could be because the closer I get to God, the more his light exposes the darker portions of my life that I normally do not notice.  Once the darkness is exposed, handling it becomes a whole other mission altogether.  As the previous entries have suggested, it is difficult for a minister to admit to having a particular struggle without the loss of their job.  Everybody wants a “perfect” minister, even though such a thing does not exist.  At the same time, a strong relationship with God is more important than anything that humanity can give.

The unfortunate reality is that everybody has their own “darkness” that exposure to God reveals.  Some of us just act like we don’t.  I am normally pretty forthright about whatever struggle I am dealing with that keeps me from God, but nonetheless, I can understand why some issues would never be discussed.  A few years back, some friends of mine confessed to our Christian fellowship that they had been struggling with addiction to pornography.  Suddenly, a few of the females were accusing them of looking at them lustfully.  These women clearly thought that they were irresistible.  The same thing happened to a few of my friends who mentioned that they struggled with their sexual orientation.  Suddenly, some of my other male friends were concerned that these guys were interested in them.  People are way too vain sometimes.

It only gets worse in the case of a minister, who is seen as a champion of righteousness.  Ministers literally lose everything when their humanity becomes too evident.  I am not saying that humanity is an excuse for sinfulness, but sometimes as a result of being human, people sin even when they are trying not to.  Yet, congregations are not all that forgiving of their ministers.  When Kirk Franklin spoke openly about his struggle with pornography, he was viewed as a hypocrite even though he had been delivered.  Imagine if he had been in need of support.

This entry was a lot of rambling, but the main point is clear–getting closer to God means becoming aware of sin in your own life.  How to deal with that sin is another story.

#2 Distance

As every minister knows, it is necessary to maintain a sort of professional distance.  The belief is that in some way, this distance will prevent ethical boundaries from being crossed.  Some boundaries are clear.  For instance, everyone with common sense can understand the danger of dating a parishioner–even if family members encourage it.  At the same time, other boundaries are a bit harder to navigate because like it or not, a minister can never turn his or her role off, and all relationships may be ministerial opportunities.  That is where the problem comes in.

Many of my ministerial friends can attest to the difficulty they experience in trying to discern whether or not a particular relationship qualifies as being personal or professional, and romantic relationships bring about another set of complexity on their own.  The result is often a heightened amount of physical and emotional distance, which cannot be maintained without great effort and a good life outside of ministry.  That means finding time to be well-rounded even when church demands make it virtually impossible.  It also means having a lot of self-knowledge and self-confidence.  Being without either of those two aspects of life is a recipe for disaster in the ministerial context.  Last, but certainly not least, it requires a strong and personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  After all, He is the only one who can help clarify the more confusing aspects of the ministerial life because He lived it, well sort of.

Jesus is the Christian’s model for living life so the answer must lie with Him.  He was open and honest at all times, but at the same time, there were certain things that Scripture never recorded Jesus doing, and many of these things would have been very useful to see.  Jesus never dated, probably because He knew that it would get in the way of His mission, yet many ministers will not only date, but also marry.  That’s probably the reason that the ridiculous DaVinci code theories were able to spring up.  Being human and male, I can understand personally the difficulty that Jesus must have faced in living that particular life.  The Bible doesn’t mention Jesus’ other friends, but his closest friends were his disciples, yet today ministers are not encouraged to befriend their parishioners.  Even Jesus’ struggle w/ God was common knowledge at the Garden of Gethsemane, while many ministers would lose their posts if their private struggles ever became public.

So what has changed?  People are lawsuit-happy and looking for a means of getting money any way that they can.  The church is perceived as a wealthy place in many communities, which makes it susceptible to false reports of abuse for money, not saying that ministers never slip up and do wrong.  Still, Jesus’ ministry was one of closeness and openness, unlike the distance that is necessary to maintain a good ministry today.  Unfortunately, that means that as a society, we have allowed the fear of lawsuits and loss of reputation to keep ministers from truly having the kind of ministry that is modeled after the life of Jesus.

#1 the image vs. the reality

In many circles, there is a definition of what a minister is supposed to be.  Usually, the suggested description is one of a married man with two small children.  Usually, this man has great people skills, a very friendly demeanor, great oratorical skills, and an unusual amount of patience.  As for his wife, she is usually a homemaker who is willing to dedicate her free labor to insuring that any vacant position within the church is filled.  This means that she will likely teach in Sunday School and maybe direct a choir or two, all with a cheerful, happy demeanor.

The unfortunate reality is that no one like that exists.  Such people are almost always hiding something and playing the role that they believe their congregations want.  There is so much pretentiousness among clergy and their families because of the high amount of pressure that they live under everyday.  Yet, those of us who attempt to be our “real selves” in the midst of the pressure have no chance at living up to that image.  I myself am not married, so the potential for a wife to help me to carry the load of a congregation is out.  As for the two little children, if I had them at this point, there would be even more talk about my “wild past,” so I am thankful that God kept me from having to deal with that particular scenario.

In addition, I am not incredibly friendly, happy, or patient.  I am rather stoic with respect to facial expression and speech, and I am more likely to be a bit agitated and grumpy than to be light and bubbly.  As for my patience, it fluctuates depending on the situation.  Sometimes, I can be the most patient person in the world, while other times, my patience is nonexistent.  The nonexistent patience becomes especially evident when I feel as if I am being pushed to be something that I am not, or when people think that they know me much better than they actually do.  Both scenarios are pretty common with respect to clergy, so needless to say, it is a constant struggle.

So, who wins in this situation, the minister who fakes it to get what he or she wants, or the minister who is real?  That depends on the criteria for winning.  If winning is defined by making a whole lot of money, having a large congregation and a great reputation in the community, and a personal life that is in shambles because of its extreme falsehood, than the faker wins.  However, if winning is defined by being so real that prospective congregants and ministerial connections are scared away for fear of being associated with such a “loose cannon” then the real one wins.

In other words, there are no winners–just people who learn how to play the game.  In my observation, the most successful ministers have been the people who highlighted the parts of their authentic selves that would be beneficial to their congregations, while holding back the other parts that could be problematic.  Such people project an image that is not quite ideal, but still real.  After all, nothing is being added for the sake of appeasing congregants.  At the same time, these ministers find a way to be themselves in a manner that does not make their congregants uneasy.  That means maintaining appropriate boundaries, and understanding that there are certain things that ministers should not share with their parishioners.

In the end, the ministerial life does have the potential to be a rewarding one, if those of us who live it do not allow congregational expectations to turn us away from our true authentic selves.  It’s easier said than done, but it is worth the struggle if it is what we have to do to share the love of Jesus with those in our surroundings.