In many circles, there is a definition of what a minister is supposed to be. Usually, the suggested description is one of a married man with two small children. Usually, this man has great people skills, a very friendly demeanor, great oratorical skills, and an unusual amount of patience. As for his wife, she is usually a homemaker who is willing to dedicate her free labor to insuring that any vacant position within the church is filled. This means that she will likely teach in Sunday School and maybe direct a choir or two, all with a cheerful, happy demeanor.
The unfortunate reality is that no one like that exists. Such people are almost always hiding something and playing the role that they believe their congregations want. There is so much pretentiousness among clergy and their families because of the high amount of pressure that they live under everyday. Yet, those of us who attempt to be our “real selves” in the midst of the pressure have no chance at living up to that image. I myself am not married, so the potential for a wife to help me to carry the load of a congregation is out. As for the two little children, if I had them at this point, there would be even more talk about my “wild past,” so I am thankful that God kept me from having to deal with that particular scenario.
In addition, I am not incredibly friendly, happy, or patient. I am rather stoic with respect to facial expression and speech, and I am more likely to be a bit agitated and grumpy than to be light and bubbly. As for my patience, it fluctuates depending on the situation. Sometimes, I can be the most patient person in the world, while other times, my patience is nonexistent. The nonexistent patience becomes especially evident when I feel as if I am being pushed to be something that I am not, or when people think that they know me much better than they actually do. Both scenarios are pretty common with respect to clergy, so needless to say, it is a constant struggle.
So, who wins in this situation, the minister who fakes it to get what he or she wants, or the minister who is real? That depends on the criteria for winning. If winning is defined by making a whole lot of money, having a large congregation and a great reputation in the community, and a personal life that is in shambles because of its extreme falsehood, than the faker wins. However, if winning is defined by being so real that prospective congregants and ministerial connections are scared away for fear of being associated with such a “loose cannon” then the real one wins.
In other words, there are no winners–just people who learn how to play the game. In my observation, the most successful ministers have been the people who highlighted the parts of their authentic selves that would be beneficial to their congregations, while holding back the other parts that could be problematic. Such people project an image that is not quite ideal, but still real. After all, nothing is being added for the sake of appeasing congregants. At the same time, these ministers find a way to be themselves in a manner that does not make their congregants uneasy. That means maintaining appropriate boundaries, and understanding that there are certain things that ministers should not share with their parishioners.
In the end, the ministerial life does have the potential to be a rewarding one, if those of us who live it do not allow congregational expectations to turn us away from our true authentic selves. It’s easier said than done, but it is worth the struggle if it is what we have to do to share the love of Jesus with those in our surroundings.
